Article #14 (www.fatherspiritson.com)
Choose Your Friends Wisely! (Part 1 of 2)
Since the beginning of God's creation of Adam and Eve as the first man and woman we have sought to attain the friendship of others. The motives of this are quite obvious to me, and there are several. I would like to focus this first segment of the article on three of the many potential motives for friendship that may exist out there. First, and perhaps foremost, is our natural human need for companionship. Second, although not nearly as important as the first, is our need for approval from others. Finally, the last one I would like to mention here, is our need to be a contributing part of society.
Let's start with the first one: companionship. According to www.dictionary.com the companionship I am referring to is summed up as follows: (1) association as companions; fellowship. I know for certain that I expected a more elaborate explanation of the word when I opened that page up. However, the more I think it over, the more I realize how simple the need is. As human beings, we were designed by God to desire companions in our lives. Let's take a look at what God's word has to say about companionship. Companionship, to my knowledge, is first referred to in the Bible in Genesis 2:18. In this verse God stated the following: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him." This message is clear as day to me, we were designed by God to seek a companion. (See V*1). If you read further along Genesis 2, you'll encounter Genesis 2:24 which goes on to say: "This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh." (See V*2).
Although I would like to focus this article on friendship, I cannot write about companionship without first talking about your ultimate companion. I think you know who I am talking about. We all have our set of ideal attributes that such a person may possess, and this obviously varies from person to person. The question is however, are your desires for companions in line with God's desire for a companion in your life?
To uncover this truth, I would like to examine what the word of God has to say about potential wives. Then I will examine what it says about us, potential husbands, as well. My personal favorite description of the ultimate wife, is found in Proverbs 31:10-31. (See V*3). Here are some key points made within these verses, I elaborate on some of these points in parenthesis:
1) She is capable.
2) She is far more precious than jewels.
3) She is trustworthy and her husband's heart trusts in her.
4) She rewards her husband with good all the days of her life.
5) She has a strong work ethic.
6) She is diligent. (This one ties along with #5 on the list. She is not at all lazy, but on the contrary thrives upon being active in life. Whether it be working, enjoying life, or immersed in Bible study. She feels the need to contribute to something beyond herself to be fully satisfied. She is not by any means shallow.)
7) She is blessed with discernment. (Capable of understanding situations in depth and reacting accordingly. Example: In verse 16 it states: "She evaluates a field and buys it; she plants a vineyard with her earnings." To me this means she has discernment enough to evaluate before acting on emotional swings or being easily distracted to spend money or time unnecessarily.
8) She is generous and extends her hand to the poor and the needy. (She does this first and foremost to follow God's will. She also wants to store up heavenly treasures, and simply be blessed by God as a direct result of her obedience. She aspires to help, whether it be individuals or multitudes. She wants to be a blessing to others and becomes satisfied/fulfilled in doing so.)
9) She is not overcome by worry or fear in the face of adversity. (On the contrary, she prepares in an intelligent manner prior to the event's occurrence whenever possible.)
10) She is independent in certain ways. (What I mean is, she doesn't rely on her husband for everything, nor does she disregard his assistance either. She avoids all extremes, and knows what balance is. This is what I gather from verse 22 which states: "She makes her own bed coverings; her clothing is fine linen and purple." Personally, I am not afraid of a woman who is independent, on the contrary I respect and appreciate her abilities.)
11) She expects to be honored. (I think it is vital that she have a certain aura. You know, that aura that simply commands respect, yet emits humility as well. Strength, but gentleness. A critical balance.)
12) She loves wisdom. (She pursues wisdom and her instructions are not offensive. She has your best interests in mind when she advises you.)
13) She watches over the household. (She makes sure everything is orderly, and along with her husband, manages a household in light of God's word.)
14) She expects to be loved and blessed. (Her aura commands respect with the up-most finesse and discretion. Her husband and children praise her and call her blessed.)
15) She fears the Lord. (In a worshipful and respectful way she keeps the Lord in the #1 priority slot in her life, and essentially the husband does the exact same. Even above one another, they put God 1st. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. This cord of three strands, I believe, is present when these priorities are in order. (See V*4).)
16) She is willing to submit to her husband. (I know submission is not a popular word among many of the women of today's society, and understandably so. However, this is a direct command in God's word and should not be taken lightly. It does come with a few conditions, that husbands need to fulfill before they can expect this to happen. First of all husbands are expected to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. The Word of God also goes on to say that we should love our wives as our own bodies. In other words, since we are one flesh with our wives, we should provide and care for her just as Christ does for the church. We are all members of the body of Christ.(See V*5).)
I will leave it up to you if you'd like to examine the full context of these verses, as always they are located along with other incorporated verses, at the bottom of the article. I would certainly recommend if you've read this far, to read the actual verses to determine for yourself if what I have said makes sense to you!
As you can see, God has many expectations laid out for potential wives, and as we will soon observe, for potential husbands. You cannot expect the ultimate husband or the ultimate wife, without trying to be one of those two yourself. This is a two way street, and that should certainly be made clear. Also, I am a firm believer that although God will provide you with a husband or a wife in a timely manner, we need to do our part as well to meet other like-minded individuals. Although, I do not doubt God's power, he has blessed us with our own abilities to act with. It is our job to exercise these abilities and bring all the ultimate honor, glory, and acknowledgement to him in the process. What I am trying to say is, we cannot expect Mr or Mrs right to come knocking on our door step without us looking for them somehow.
Now that we have examined many of the attributes that encompass what the Bible says a prospective wife should attain, let us look into what God expects of men looking to become husbands. The foundational and primary command to husbands, I believe, is the one located in Ephesians 5:25. (See V*5). As potential husbands we should keep that in mind and act on it, prior to expecting our wives to submit to us as to the Lord.
Here is a list of attributes husbands should possess according to my interpretation and study of the word of God: (Please note this list is not based on like a Proverbs 31 for men):
1) He must love and appreciate his wife and family. (Appreciation is important, you may love your wife, but if you never tell her what she really means to you... well she may not know. This tags along with #5 concerning communication.)
2) He must be willing to sacrifice. (If your wife needs you to do clean dishes or cook for example because she is too tired we need to be willing and able to do so. If we need to sacrifice Friday's poker night with the buddies over at Jerry's house, for the well-being of our family we need to do that as well.)
3) He should be flexible/adaptable when necessary. (Although I think a husband should be decisive and firm like #5, I believe flexibility is important. A husband needs to be able to handle criticisms offered, most importantly coming from his wife directly or gathered from the proper study of the word of God. We cannot be completely hard-headed and stubborn, there are times where we may need to admit that we are wrong.)
4) He should be decisive/firm when necessary. (There is a time and place for each action. When a man loves his wife and family, and knows a certain action needs to be taken. Let him take the lead in this circumstance. Sure he should consult his wife, perhaps 99.9% of the time, but there is that .1% where he may just need to act quickly and decisively without room for much deliberation in order to protect the family.)
5) He must be a great communicator. (Communication is so important! Remember this doesn't necessarily mean opening your mouth. God wants us to be good listeners as well.)
6) He must be faithful to God, his wife, and children. (If one is truly faithful to God, he should as a byproduct be faithful to his wife and children.)
7) He must understand what true love is. (1 Corinthians 13:1-13 outlines what true love is. Study it, learn it, and live it!) (See V*6).
8) He must be patient, considerate, and kind. (It is much easier said than done, to encompass these three attributes, but so are many others. We as husbands do not need to seek to win every argument, on the contrary we should try to resolve every conflict tactfully and respectfully.)
9) He needs to have his priorities in order as best as he can in accordance with God's word. (1st God, 2nd His wife and family, 3rd Etc... Exercise sound judgment and prayerfully construct your own list.)
Jim's thoughts on #9:"I was listening to a pastor on the radio talk about how when he was a new pastor that he thought God was always #1 to his wife. He said that he'd work late on his job and focus on details telling his wife that she is #2 to God when he did so. He said this was a mistake of a new pastor. Loving your wife is supposed to be part of serving God. Don't always view it as a distraction from God."
10) He needs to put God in the driver's seat. (He needs to pray for wisdom, guidance, courage, and all the other attributes necessary to fulfill his duties to his wife and family. He needs to be willing to humble himself and admit he is wrong when he is.)
11) He must be a good father. (Sets a good example for the child or children. Generally leads by example, and maintains a good attitude in the face of adversity.)
Now I know what some of you might be thinking, why does the women's list have 15 and the husband's list only have 11? The truth is, I didn't plan either list to be the full extent of the responsibilities and attributes that husbands and wives should expect from one another. These are excellent guidelines, according to God's word, and should be considered whenever possible. Please let me know if you have any discrepancies with this article or any other located on the site, or any feedback at fatherspiritsonmail@yahoo.com . In the next segment of the article (part 2) I will delve further into companionship in regards to relationships outside of marriage, and discuss the needs we have for approval and contributing to society.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my article, I hope you will learn as much as I learned while I put it together!
-Victor Nunez
Biblical References:
V*1- "Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is like him."" Genesis 2:18 (HCSB)
V*2- "This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh." Genesis 2:24 (HCSB)
V*3- "Who can find a capable wife? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will not lack anything good. 12 She rewards him with good, not evil, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from far away. 15 She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household and portions for her servants. 16 She evaluates a field and buys it; she plants a vineyard with her earnings. 17 She draws on her strength and reveals that her arms are strong. 18 She sees that her profits are good, and her lamp never goes out at night. 19 She extends her hands to the spinning staff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 Her hands reach out to the poor, and she extends her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid for her household when it snows, for all in her household are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own bed coverings; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known at the city gates, where he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes and sells linen garments; she delivers belts to the merchants. 25 Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. 28 Her sons rise up and call her blessed. Her husband also praises her: 29 Many women are capable, but you surpass them all! 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 31 Give her the reward of her labor, and let her works praise her at the city gates. Proverbs 31:10-31 (HCSB)
V*4- "And if somebody overpowers one person, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not easily broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12 (HCSB)
V*5- "Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord, 23 for the husband is head of the wife as also Christ is head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should [submit] to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 to make her holy, cleansing her in the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh, but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of His body. Ephesians 5:22-30 (HCSB)
V*6- "If I speak the languages of men and of angels, but do not have love, I am a sounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have [the gift of] prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so that I can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 And if I donate all my goods to feed the poor and if I give my body to be burned, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient; love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited; 5 does not act improperly; is not selfish; is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs; 6 finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never ends. I Corinthians 13:1-8 (HCSB)
Other References:
www.dictionary.com
Attributes of a Husband located across the Bible. This one also elaborates well on some of the verses considered as well.
Attributes of a Wife located across the Bible.
If nothing else, at least read the joke located at the beginning of this one. It is quite funny.